Unicorn Care Visits Singapore
a review of our recent event
We’re grateful to Slippery Slope and their amazing staff for hosting this event. The evening featured Unicorn Care counsellor and therapist Dr Stef Garner as guest speaker for an interactive discussion on navigating relationships and identity in the LGBTQIA+ community. The conversation, expertly moderated by San Jo from The SG Boys podcast, sparked reflection, connection, and shared learning. The event drew a lively audience of about 35 members and allies of the community, many of whom braved the rain to attend.
Conceived as a ‘fireside chat’, San Jo initially explored some of the reasons why members of the community seek professional counselling and therapy. Stef outlined common concerns within the community, which include minority stress, as well as relationship issues and anxieties arising from the contemporary dating scene. Highlighting the need for emotional and personal safety when engaging with potential partners online, Stef noted the rise of catfishing, scams and ghosting. She also reassured the audience that, for many, online dating has increased opportunities to find potential partners who are genuine in their search for others that share their values and interests.
With San Jo opening up the chat to audience questions and comments, the discussion quickly moved on to the topic of dating younger partners who may be less interested in committed long-term relationships. Dating younger brings its own challenges, particularly when partners are at different life stages, and Gen Z and Gen Alpha have also shown themselves to be uniquely interested not simply in exploring but in naming and identifying with a plethora of sub-genres within the “+” community (e.g. demigirl, aceflux etc.). Stef noted the importance of understanding what a label means to the individual using it, as well as the benefits and disadvantages of using labels at a time when our understanding of human identity and sexuality is evolving.
The discussion took a turn when the audience delved further into long-term relationships and the subject of monogamy in gay male relationships. Affirming the lived experience of monogamous gay men who frequently feel marginalized by the current wave of CNM in their community, Stef encouraged the audience to reflect on their own wants and needs when considering a future relationship and communicate expectations at an appropriate stage of dating. She referred to the heteronormative escalator model of dating (date, go exclusive, cohabit, marry, have kids) and distinguished this from typical dating practices within the LGBTQIA+ community.
A follow-up question about cohabitation sparked a range of opinions from the audience on how important living together really is. Some felt sharing a home served as a litmus test of the relationship and agreed with Marilyn Monroe’s famous line “if you can’t handle me at my worse, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”. Others felt that being fully present with their partner was more valuable than domestic arrangements in indicating commitment in the relationship. Stef’s allusion to the unique challenges of finding accommodation in Singapore’s city state drew chuckles from the audience.
Next the conversation turned to the practicalities of negotiating a CNM agreement in a new relationship. Stef engaged with the criticism that no one wants their relationship to feel like moonlighting as a contract lawyer, recognizing the importance of fun and exploration. Members of the audience were however receptive to the risks of DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) and geographical restriction models (e.g. “CNM only outside of the jurisdiction”), which can include increased exposure to the risk of STIs if the limits on fluid bonding are not pre-agreed.
As the evening moved to its conclusion, the difficulties with moving on from trauma and bringing previous relationship “baggage” to a new relationship was raised. The discussion on these issues ranged from addressing specific attachment patterns, the influence of parental modelling and the need for healing and growth to change future relationship dynamics. Stef observed that romantic relationships of any flavour which are forced to bear the full weight of one’s own insecurities are particularly fragile, and she emphasized the importance of changing one’s own narrative from “I’m broken” to “I’m worthy of love”.
If any of the issues discussed at the event resonate with you, reach out to Unicorn Care today for affirming non-judgmental counselling and therapeutic support.